To have wept in fear.

A Saturday in May- On campus praise night. The journey to get this event booked and organized will be discussed at a later time. This post describes the events immediately after the end of this blessed event.

I wheel the final load of audio equipment to my classroom and I feel the typical tension in my muscles and joints I tend to feel after strenuous performances. Not a problem- I’ll go through a few days of sore muscles and tense joints. Ibuprofen and jacuzzi/sauna sessions to the rescue.

I get in my car and feel the tension rising in my back and leg muscles. Strange. I stretch before I start driving. I get home at around 10:30pm and my wife is wide awake, which I find very strange. She was present at the event and she tends to have an early bed time. We start debriefing and I lie down and start to settle in. I think God kept her up because he knew I would need her help.

My muscles begin to tense up. But it’s different then other times. I feel my entire body collapse into a potentially painful series of spasms. I begin to worry and take 800mg of ibuprofen. I express to my wife that I am not feeling comfortable.

I try to maintain a steady position to avoid having my muscles begin to spasm. My right hand is by my chest and it begins to shake. I look at my wife and ask, “Are you seeing this?” “Yes,” she says. Suddenly my entire body begins to tremble as if I’m in freezing cold temperatures or suffering from a violent fever (we’re in Southern California during a pleasant Spring night and I have no symptoms of sickness). Fear begins to overtake my consciousness. My wife grabs hold of my arm and the shaking stops. She gets up momentarily to get some water and I begin to shake again. When she returns, she continues to hold on to me and is absolutely calm. “This is a spiritual attack,” she says. I struggle with this conclusion but there is truly no other explanation. I can’t control my body. Then I remember what the Israelites did in Judges- they cried out to God. “Please God help me. Please God help me. Please God help me. Please God help me.” Again and again I repeat the prayer. And with each repetition the spiritual chains loosen. I continued to feel the evil force fighting for control of my body.

Thoughts race through my head: “Why did I do this? I won’t have an event like that again. It was a bad idea. I won’t do it again. I won’t do it again.”

Then a voice- a message- manifests in my consciousness: “You will regret doing what you did tonight. I will put you in so much pain that you will regret ever having that event.” The message kept repeating over and over.

For context, I had previously suffered an injury to my lower back that was so excruciating that I was hospitalized and put to sleep to ease the pain. I have been able to manage the injury quite well for many years and numerous events, but the memory of the pain and my feeling of uselessness still remain.

The terror continued to intensify. The lies continued to circle in my mind and I fell into despair. I asked my wife if she knew what was going on. Again, she calmly repeats, “This is a spiritual attack.” I am shocked and blessed by her calm resolve. She knows that God has already won this battle and the attack will soon subside. By this point I am openly and uncontrollably weeping in fear. I can’t control it. I feel deeper in despair because I am a very difficult person to break. Like my father, I don’t allow my kids to see me at my weakest and I am a pillar of strength for the entire family; I am their greatest earthly protector. In addition, I’m a pretty big guy and I can take massive hits. Growing up with 3 brothers definitely tested my physical and emotional strength.

I get up and I am surprised that I am able to stand strong and steady. My body is still shaking and I continue to pray. Then a song springs up in my head: “Holy Spirit you are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.” I begin to sing and the chains begin to loosen even more. I am reminded of David playing his lyre for King Saul when he is plagued by evil spirits. I continued to sing and my soul begins to calm. I can feel the storm residing but I am still in distress. My wife suggests I use my recliner, which I love to use to study or kick my feet up after a long day. She covers me with a blanket and I fall into an exhausted sleep.

I sleep for about an hour and wake up. I am able to move to my bed and fall back asleep. Then I dream a disturbing dream.

I can see the front gate of my school. Right outside that gate, an enraged female demonic being is madly running around armed with some kind of weapon seemingly looking for someone to attack. It comes really close to me- about 3 feet from my face- and I can see the twisted, suffering, enraged features on its face. It stays outside the school running and searching in all directions.

I wake up at around 7:00am feeling emotionally better. I go back to sleep and wake up at around 10:00am. My wife is in front of me with breakfast and one of my favorite coffee drinks. I get up, I eat, drink coffee and feel like my body is at around 90% strength. This doesn’t make sense. It should have taken me days to reach that level of strength. Thank you, Jesus. You delivered me from the evil spirit and restored my strength.

That evening we go to church. The next day, I am alone in my classroom and I begin to play and sing “Holy Spirit” on the piano. I feel victorious like Paul when he was in prison. I think about the attack and the event. “I know,” I say to myself, “I will host TWO worship nights next year!!”

I get up and feel a sword stab me on my lower right back. I punch that area of my body with my fist to massage the spasm out and continue walking. “Not today, Satan. I will host TWO worship nights next year!”